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Sunday, February 12, 2006

Cartoon Wars Escalate: Secret Weapon Soon to be Released

APP – Associated Pressured Press
It’s me, T.J. – APP Staff Writer

“The cartoon war seems to be escalating”, stated an unidentified statesman today.

Indeed it has. Since Denmark’s preemptive cartoon strike, cartoons have been detonated and fired globally with reckless abandon. APP’s war correspondent reports that cartoonist and editorial casualties are mounting.

Requesting anonymity, a Democratic congress member declared this afternoon, “This has got to stop. I plan to submit a bill before Congress this week to outlaw all manual writing instruments (MWI’s) across the United States.”

The anonymous congress member added, “I already have tentative arrangements made for a meeting with European and Middle East leaders who are willing to take similar measures within their countries… after passage of the bill.”

There seems to be strong support for such a ban in several countries, including the United States.

“There are untrained cartoonists putting innocent civilian lives in danger,” stated a suburban mother of three.

But opponents of the ban on manual writing instruments argue that pencils, pens, paints, crayolas, and map pencils are not the problem.

“You can take away all of the MWI’s in the entire world and it won’t stop this war. It won’t even make a dent in it. The real problem lies within the illegal use of computer keyboards, computer software, and the internet”, stated a national pen company spokeswoman.

She also points out that there could be drastic economic backlashes, particularly here in the United States. “A ban would put millions of workers out on the street without jobs if you shut our industry down.”

A child development psychologist argues, “Denying our children their inalienable right to draw on the walls of their homes, school bathrooms, and other public places could lead to serious psychological and developmental deficits.”

Currently, a grassroots organization is being formed to counter the growing support for the proposed bill. They plan to contact the National Rifle Association and ask for their support in funding and developing an effective lobby in Congress.

The group’s leader and founder stated that the NRA’s proven lobbying tactics would be a key component in their approach to congress. A name for the activist group has yet to be chosen.

The leader of the Republican Party was unavailable for comment. However, an available Republican staffer did state, “We must protect the artistic rights of every American. Artistic rights belong to every free man, woman, and child throughout the world.”

According to war analysts, it might be too late to change the current course of the Cartoon Wars. Newly unclassified intelligence reports state that a new weapon is soon to be released. Unknown to the general public, weapons of mental destruction (WMD’s) have been under development for quite some time. In fact, a newly unclassified weapon has been undergoing top secret research for the last five years.

The new WMD, a nuclear powered air brush, has passed system checks and, according to recently released reports, exceeded all the expectations of its developers with its performance in the field.

“The only thing holding us back are qualified cartoonists”, stated a lead researcher this morning.

Adding, “With cartoonist casualties rising, it is difficult to find people to fill these new positions.”

Indeed. It is possible that Congress will have to enact the draft here in the United States to fill these positions since few volunteers are expected to come forward.

When inquiring about the amount of skill and training that would be required to handle such a powerful weapon the lead researcher responded, “The person wielding this weapon would have to be at least 5 years of age and be able to spell correctly the name of every known religion, as well as each country’s top five political and religious leaders.”

“The quality of the cartoon isn’t what we care about. What we consider a successful launching is solely dependent on whether or not it hits its mark,” he added.

But launching facilities could also be as hard to locate as are good cartoonists. Without a seasoned editorial staff and publishing facilities, the new nuclear WMD could be rendered useless.

In the meantime, according to the WMD manufacturer’s CEO, a search is currently being conducted to locate the Danish cartoonists who created the original 12 published cartoons of Mohammed for the Denmark paper, Jylland’s-Posten.

“These people are the best cartoon marksmen in the world, and we want to get a nuclear powered airbrush in each of their hands as soon as possible.”

3 Comments:

Blogger AB5SY said...

Hey T.J.,

Great post.....lov it. LMAO

February 12, 2006 8:26 PM  
Blogger It's me, T.J. said...

Thanks!

February 12, 2006 9:26 PM  
Blogger Moof said...

Oh! *LOL* ... !

TJ ...dunno tho, things are so silly lately, you almost worry this might give some genius ideas! *eek! ;-)

February 13, 2006 4:33 PM  

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